Someone's Reading This Blog, Which is NOT the Point of this Blog. The point is: STOP READING BLOGS

Stop reading right now. Go away. You don't have the attention span, the intelligence, the sheer will to read the below information regarding the pointlessness of blogs, so cease and desist reading immediately. This isn’t a joke. Go away. The counter at the bottom of the page is about 10x the amount of people who even know about this page. This is for me and me alone; my public declaration to the deaf and dumb, the ignorant masses who don’t even deserve the chance to know they’re wrong; and you are one of them. The message is simple: STOP READING BLOGS.

Including "What I'm Listening To" in a Post is Creepy

Who in the hell cares about you? No one! So stop posting in your blog, perpetrating the lies that your life has any significance. The problem is not only the words that you (the uneducated poster who tries to write a coherent thought the way Hellen Keller tries to learn the Electric Slide) haphazardly scatter around in a vaguely paragraphic-esk form. No, the problem with most blogs is the addition of what “music” the poster is listening to as they “write.” Oh, I’d love to explain it to you, but I’m afraid I’m going to use numbers. Yes, numbers. So go do something else; turn off your computer and go outside, or play the banjo, or read a book. Still here? My assumptions of the inbreeding lower class ignorant blog reader have once again been proven correct; legally, your life should be forfeit. But, for my own amusement and in complete disregard for my flat-lining audience, I shall explain why posting the “currently listening to” post addition is even more insulting that the random words in the posting that just might form a thought. The poster is not an individual, or important, and has not found a new track on the latest Bush CD that the rest of us have missed. There is no substance in the pop music world; so implying that the new Britany song really accentuates your post on your crush on Junior John (“he’s SO out of my leage.. [SIP]”) is just pathetic, and a little “on the nose.” Besides the shallowness of song selection, the poster writes his/her paragraph of itty bitty words in the span of the song. How much thought is there in a post that has to be written in 3 min 48 seconds? The answer is the equivalent of the collective cognitive power of blog readers and posters; none. Should the reader, and this is assuming a tremendous amount of things occur (including but not limited to: consciousness, complete physiological control, motivation, a sense of right and wrong…) download the song and listen to it as he/she reads the post? The effort required to read a post would far exceed the blog reader’s capacity to function. Therefore; a blog reader should find a nice serene hillside, lie down on the ground, and just not get up. Stop Reading Blogs.

I’m listening to: "Informer" - Snow

The Title of Master Blogger Should be Considered a Crime Against Humanity

I was going to hold your hand, write in small sentences, and break down every thought into little itty bitty sentences so you can understand how wrong you are to read blogs, but my plan fell apart when I came across the term “Master Blogger.” Upon further investigation, it appears that there is a set of criteria to be a “Master Blogger” that I care not to regurgitate. Who has the time to constantly post up on their site, whimsically contemplating the plans for the weekend or why we are at war? Who wants to read someone’s thoughts about whatever hot topic is on the news? Before you point a finger at this blog, I will clarify (and I know you won’t even grasp a very small percentage of what I am going to explain to you): this blog is a farce. It is a message warning about the evils of the medium it is written in, and we all know how proud you must be to have thought of that but, as always, you’ve missed the point entirely. Why not just buy a bag full of jellybeans, hold the bag out in front of you, and then jump off the highest building in your area (I know the blog reader enjoys colors so why not look at some colors while doing the right thing and ending your pathetic existence). To title someone “Master Blogger” is to only give validity to a valueless system of communication. What pride is there in being a “Master Blogger?” Can “Master Blogger"’s brag of their title on a resume or business card? And what idiot cannot talk or write nonstop on his or her feelings concerning whatever mild thought may meander into their heads? The title is insulting to humanity and anyone even knowing a “Master Blogger" should be rounded up, stuffed into a burlap sack, and tossed into the nearest body of water. Please do not go NEAR anyone with the title “Master Blogger” without a scythe or chain-saw. And stop reading blogs.

Blogs are the New Spin Machine

I know you, ignorant thought trolls that you are, would be confused if the title of a post and the first sentence of said posting were too similar; but I feel it’s important to stress that blogs are the new spin machine. If you read the political blog of a senator or dignitary, they are not going to post their thoughts on their own parties shady dealings with a few lobbyists or how many of their staff they are having sexual relations with. They (and you the brain dead of brain dead readers should just stop right now because I’m going to define exactly whom I am writing about) use blogs for spin.* Instead of doing their jobs correctly and making sure that America can continue to grow and flourish (for the upper class – but you’re a little too stupid to recognize the American class system so just go back to pumping gas and watching American Idol you misled fool), these people who “serve” are playing a huge game of CYA (cover your ass) and are overjoyed at the new shield against the truth: blogs. These personalized political attacks could never stand up under the scrutiny of a non partisan (if there is such a thing) committee or legal bench; the writer would be politically hung. But in the blog world, anything goes, and even though there isn’t a fact to back up an allegation, even though there isn’t a shadow of evidence that would suggest one billionth of one percent of the political post is true; the public (which includes you, if you can follow this argument you putrid MTV thought terrorist) reads the blog and thinks “Oh, Bush ISN’T stealing oil!” or “Oh, Kennedy DIDN’T kill his secretary.” Not that the past two examples are true or false, but the point is people think that just because it’s posted on a blog, they are getting the truth when in fact the blog has become the new spin machine. Now you can read a “personalized” letter telling you the “truth” to combat whatever CNN or FoxNews said on their afternoon broadcast (see below rants about the fundamental problem with The Constant News Network) about a politician or political party. Think for yourselves; if oil prices drop and we get billions of gallons of oil then we WERE in Iraq for oil, or if Kennedy DID blow a .08 and he bragged how he wanted to kill off his mistress than he DID do it on purpose. I know all of these words can be overwhelming, and thankfully most of my audience has gone back to wondering what new news is new, but if you happen to just read this sentence there are two major points I’d like to raise: 1- you’re a very lazy reader and I’m not surprised. 2- blogs are being used for spin and one should not assume that just because it’s written down means it’s true. Do not read blogs, political or otherwise.

*By “they” I mean politicians (including, but not limited to: the president, any cabinet member, any white house staff member, any senator, anyone who is a representative of the people. Basically any one who holds a federal post in any capacity, anyone who holds a state funded post in any capacity, any persons paid by any federal, state, or any local governmental body for any work or non work), lobbyists (anyone who represents any political party or is paid for to act on behalf on any political party, foreign or domestic company, or individual person(s) in any capacity whatsoever), the intelligence community (including but not limited to: both domestic and foreign intelligence gathering and analysis agencies, intelligence agencies with or without the authority to act on foreign or domestic soil, covertly or overtly, known or unknown), and anyone who’s job is to serve the public’s interest and security.

Turn Away Right Now and Stop Reading Blogs

Your life is worthless. You. Specifically you. Your life is not worth a billionth of a penny, so why not do the right thing and die. Stop Reading Blogs!

This Just In: Blogs are NOT News

Blogs are not news. I know that you, my pitifully dense reader, will not be able to understand this, but I will try again and again (much like training a half-brain dead dog, although I’d would love to exercise the wonderful option of taking you to a lonely field and blowing your brains out to put you out of my misery). Blogs are not news. They might contain a news story, with the poster’s opinion about the story (“oh look, gas prices are up- I think this is bad.” one blogger writes. What’s bad is your continuance to drain the natural resources and choke the population with your polluted genes) but a blog is not a news story. CNN (oh crapulence of crapulence) had Inside the Blogs, which they would actually air stories from people’s blogs. The reporting process in America is flawed, but still focused on getting some sort of truth, removing the “I” from the story, watching the slander (or libel if in print), making sure the facts are correct, and edited by a staff of fairly educated folks before it hits the airwaves/paper. The opposite extreme is a reporter’s blog, which has the beginnings of a story... and that’s it. There’s very little fact checking, or a research staff to do the job for you, or editing, or objectivity; and yet CNN (seeping a thick yellow puss of sensational journalism clinging desperately to any story and calling it breaking or developing news because they’re stuck having to make it look like important events are always happening) airs their blog segment as news. Half-baked ideas from stories that never made it to the press or airwaves are now given validity without the (however slanted) backing of the press room staff and editor. And why are the stories reaching the blogs and NOT being aired or printed? The stories political orientation might be too right or left (oh thank GOD I’ve lost my audience, no doubt they have clicked somewhere else, seeking words that are very short and a site that has some cheap flash animation with a little gore), the facts might not be there, the story itself might be flawed in a few different ways, the possibilities are infinite. Blogs are journals, scrapbooks of information, not an organized and well thought-out news story. If you, my scholarly pissant of a reader, think that Colin Powell puts insider information in his blog (“Dear Blog- planned out surprise attack scenarios for N. Korea. I think we’ll win!”) you’re wrong. Blogs are for 13 year old girls who want to list their middle school crushes, not news worthy stories for CNN. Please. Stop Reading Blogs.

Why are you reading this? Stop Reading Blogs!

I'm not being funny or contrary so you will read my blog. This blog is for me and me only. Stop reading this and every other blog. Chances are you're an idiot and don't understand, so I'll say it again. Stop reading blogs. Please go away.

Posting on a Blog Story Should be Grounds for Death

The blog is a haphazard vomiting of thoughts so base, so boring and monotonous it could only appeal to a group of people with the same base mind-set. And yet you, the putrid stench of rot that empties out libraries of thought with the most elementary volume surpassing your tragically disappointing IQ, feel the need to reply to each post. Why do you feel the need to give your opinion on someone’s pathetic life; to encourage someone to continue their wretched endeavors in finding a new job, or living their life, or whatever topic the blog attempts to cover? What makes you, who is heinously under qualified for relationships (or god forbid breeding), think that you have the right to challenge, encourage, or otherwise speak with any sort of authority on any subject beyond what you know if your very small coffin of a life? If you were a man of science, or of thought, or of philosophy, you would not waste your time posting your opinions on “will I get a better job?” or “my day with my best friend;” you would be doing your job, bettering the human race, making some money, whatever your heart tells you to do! The blog exists only for the marginally interested few who know the poster and get a cheap trill when they see their name on the screen. Those who post on a story, who comment from an ideologically narrow telescope on the subject at hand, who pontificate on whether or not “Billy has a crush on Sue” should be dragged out by the hair, lined up in a ditch, and shot in the temple. Blogs have no real world application, they are nothing but fluff, something to fill time between commercials on MTV, and the people who post their opinions on a blog posting are not only wasting the gift of life itself, but are misinformed that their opinions matter. The blog reader holds an underdeveloped or perhaps damaged brain (meth or alcohol) which has an amusingly disproportionate amount of pride and sense of worth. The depressing reality is the postings to a blog “story” only solidifies the resounding thought in the halls of reason and self-restraint; bloggers are idiots, and people who post their opinions on blogs are the footstools of these idiots. That being said, why not stop reading blogs and go do something fun; like read a book, or play soccer, or make a friend, or buy a CD (any one will do) from your local K-Mart, throw away the CD, place the plastic bag on your head and die.

Seriously, Stop Reading Blogs

My suggestion today would be this; die. Most mammals find a little out of the way place, burrow under a hollowed out log, and die. Such is life; and yet you (the rape of intellencia, the skid-mark in the shorts of thought) continue to read this, and I can only assume other blogs. This isn’t some on-going ironic joke, or some out of work comedian thinking he’s witty because he’s using the medium to disrupt the same medium; this is an honest plea for you to go do something else besides reading someone’s online journal. And please don’t bother pointing out the obvious- I am well aware that this is a blog that bashes blogs, but I do not have the time or the patience required to hold your hand and tell you how foolish you truly are, so the only way to get to people who read blogs is to create a blog itself. I understand that you, the fast food eating, sound byte consumer, paint by numbers, American “individual” that you are, can not digest my opinion without becoming enraged (or your are already enraged because I’ve accepted no postings on this blog. I don’t want to read any of your undercooked opinions on the “dumbed down” mantra I will spoon feed to you in a few sentences) so use that anger positively and just stop reading. Stop reading blogs. I’m a little disheartened that I have to take my arguments (see the above postings) and condense them so you can “get it” but if that’s what it takes; stooping down into the gutter that functions as your cerebellum, squatting on the toilet that stands as the seat of your intelligence, then so be it.

Stop. Reading. Blogs.

A Blog Reader is a Stupid Reader

Are you that stupid? Honestly? I want you to sit, and think, am I this stupid? To start with, you can't read a sentence that's longer than ten words. Ten. Just turn away right now. It's sad, because most of the readers have just turned away, cursing at their computer screen at what an asshole this poster must be, but deep down, they can’t read a sentence longer than ten words. Why can’t you read? I understand that it must take you years to wade through the latest Harry Potter, if you can even get past the pretty colors on the dust jacket. Again, I am assuming that you know what a dust jacket is, which, after such a grave error in judgement, makes me look foolish. Regardless, the effort it takes to read a sentence that has a comma, or, god forbid, words bracketed by a “(“”)” could power a mid sized Nebraska city. Blogs, with the exception of this one, offer short sentences, mostly about a job that sucks or someone’s attempt to get a job that doesn’t suck, or about some vague political movement that no one outside of that specific group and the group’s nemesis would read. These short sentences and small ideas can be easily digested by American audiences, who often mistake the opinions of a blog as truth (Please see the News Blog Phenomena post- to follow). So reading is fairly optional, especially when a blogger can post pictures (this blog site brags easy postings) and so the blog catches on. “Pandering.” Look it up (try google if you’re confused (define:pander in the search field). People who think that aliens come down and probe people go to the blogs of people who think that aliens come down and probe people and all of a sudden its true! Or a reporter from the LA Times (we also call it “toilet paper”) thinks that there aren’t enough stories about XYZ and all of a sudden XYZ is big news (XYZ turned out to be freeway shootings, which were reported as epidemic in 2005 even though statistically they were lower than 2004). And then people post up about the post. Who in their right mind wants to read someone’s uneducated opinion on someone’s uneducated opinion? You. Thankfully, I’ve loaded the first few sentences with a few insults, and then followed it with a ton of commas so hopefully I’ve lost most of my readers. If you’ve gotten this far, there might be a chance that you’re a masochist, bored, or incredibly stupid. I’m still voting for stupid. So, my dense reader, I once again beg for you to stop reading blogs and pick up a book. Even if it’s Harry Potter, read someone’s ideas who are well formed, well researched, and have some sort of business in putting words on a page. I still suggest reading the remaining posts in a full bath.

Just Because a Blog has Pictures...

Morons. Fools. Pointless followers of mass media. Pictures in a blog do not lend any sort of credibility to the blog or its contents. Look at the picture to your left (and I am assuming a lot here, so I will walk you though this as well- hold up your hands, thumbs out. Your thumb is the finger that is fatter than the rest of your white bread gorged fingers. Which ever hand makes an “L” is the left one. My god, once again I’ve assumed too much. “L” is a letter in the English alphabet. Oh forget it) and you’ll see that I’ve cleverly attached a fairly intricate electrical schematic. What does it mean? Nothing. But it sure makes the blog look so much more important. Doesn’t it? Why am I asking you these questions, you should stop reading right now and go back to huffing spray paint out of a plastic bag in between commercials of your favorite Scooby Doo episode.
Oh look to the right (the opposite of left) my dim-witted visitor. Another important looking diagram of something which means that this blog has the inside scoop on things. I propose the following thought experiment (I suggest that first you discover what “thinking” is. A critically important first step would be to stop reading blogs, but your brain is like a car stuck in neutral): Why would someone post up some very important looking pictures, lets say this guy’s blog that holds the proof that cold fusion exists, and not (and god forgive me for even mentioning this tampon of a newspaper) publishing the experiment, the pictures, the proof, the equations in the LA Times? Because the blog is a shelter for those half baked, untested ideas whose credibility rests on some very important looking pictures; like the one below.
I can only suggest to you, if anything is trickling into that vacuous cavity you call a skull, that pictures, no matter how flashy or photoshoped, do nothing but bring up the glitz of a blog and suppress the .00001% of information that might have an inkling of truth to them. No one wants to see a picture of you on your birthday, or of your cat, or any documentation that you post up to lend a pathetic validity to an already pathetic existence. Pictures in a blog are window dressings in a cave. Please; stop reading blogs.

Blogs are Pointless

Are you kidding me? Are you out of your god forsaken mind? What the hell is wrong with you? You're reading someone's blog. Maybe you think this is funny, or outrageous, or inflammatory, or whatever pathetic poorly educated thought might be wandering across the wide expanse of your mind; but no my uninformed reader, you are reading a blog. A personal journal where average Joe's, American drinking beer from a can, proud of wall panelling, having a crush on rock stars or worried about the price of oil, conspiracy believing, gullible, dull witted and closed minded American, can tell you, the same exact person no matter how hard you try, what he or she thinks about whatever is on network news. Is this all you have to do on the internet? I have some links on the side of the page here, some places for you to go to without wasting precious time picking though someone’s unorganized thoughts. Most of the time people post up about the “war” or about their job- don’t you already have opinions on these things? Yes or no, I hate the “war” and/or “job.” Tell you what, instead of continuing to rant away, it’s painfully obvious that you (oh stupid reader, oh poster children for abortion) think this is terribly funny or witty or stupid- guess what, I don’t care. And yes, before the small spark of electricity that you call “intelligence” fires in your head and you think “But isn’t this blog about how blogs suck still a blog? And isn’t that going against the very spirit of the writer?” (and I am assuming a lot, considering that you- mucking around in the sewers of thought- can think a sentence without having to write it out and not confuse yourself with the repetition of the word “blog”), before that thought gurgles out of the toilet that you call a mouth, I would like to stop you (if only to prevent hearing you pontificate on such a point which, by the way, would out of sheer embarrassment for the speaker would churn the bowels of the dimmest dolphin, who, with better social skills than you on his worst day of accidentally calling a shrimp a trout and being excommunicated from the group in a barrage of squeaking insults, would swim into the first net and happily be ground up in Cosco tuna). I’m using this blog as an example, which will inevitably be lost on the reader who has the television on in the background or is planning how to move up in their job on the assembly line or in the deli. Oh, are that too many parentheticals or commas? I’m sure I’ve lost even the most base reader here, having not used “fuk” or “cock” enough, but still, it is extremely cathartic to suggest to you, my captive audience, regardless if you’ve even made it this far through the public school english system to even grasp the basic premise here, that a good portion of the world is water, and if you read blogs you should quickly find your way to one of the many vast oceans and drown.